Tag Archives: relationships

Mind reset.

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Dear Mum,

Today, I need to get you out of my head. I need to get your negativity, unknowledgeable fear and constant discernment out of my head and into space so that I can go back to being the best I am.

I don’t do that for you or to make sure you feel good about yourself. I do this solely for me. ME. NOT YOU. Understand?

It is not my personal goal to make you unhappy. I don’t hate you. I don’t like you very much either these days. I think you believe that somehow, I have to give back to you for something you gave me -life. But see, here’s the thing: I do not owe you. I never did. You conceived me, chose to keep and raise me. That was your choice, I had nothing to do with this decision. And that is why I do not owe you. Please do not judge me because of this.

I am grateful that you kept me alive, nurtured me as much as you deemed possible and appropriate. I do not feel it was enough, I do not think it was all you could have done. But I do not judge you for it. I believe you do the best you think you can and allow yourself to give and receive what you deem is correct and right. Please do not judge my take on this.

We differ. You and I are not the same person. Neither are you and your mum. Or you and your sister. There are people in our lives that come pretty close to being who we are ourselves. They are called soulmates. But mother and daughter are not necessarily supposed to be that. Please do not judge me for this opinion.

I do not believe that you think that I should act and think like you. That is because I do not think (contrary to me) that your opinion and view on life is right. Call me pretentious and arrogant, but I have figured (my) life out. I have lived in absolute and braggy heaven for four years and was the happiest person I could be. Please do not judge me that.

I do not resent you or anyone else I know for not living that life anymore. I do not resent my very own decision to come back to Germany. But I allow myself to hate on my current situation so that I will keep striving to make it better. Please do not judge me for that.

I will be happy. I will be very much a person that you do not understand, do not think lives “right” or in the way she is supposed to. But I do not want to do that anyway. I want to live in a way that makes me feel good about myself (yes, it’s all about me). A life that is mine. Not yours. I want to be honest and straight-forward, with compassion for the faults of others and myself, I want to be eye to eye with every person I meet. You cannot judge me for that.

All of this I want to be because it makes me happy. All of my life, I have seen you and others struggle for something that is called “HAPPINESS”. Neither you or anyone else seems to know what exactly it means, but constantly you need to strive for it without ever seeming to find a piece of it. Or if you do, you let it fade away because something else gets your attention. I do not judge you for that.

I stumbled upon happiness. Far away from the life I used to live, turning it upside down and making me rethink much of who I am (AND acting that out). BUT, it was true happiness. I felt invincible there and then. But see, life taught me that even in happiness, we are not invincible. And that perfection has flaws (even the golden cut is something that cannot perfectly be achieved, maybe aliens could figure out, but humanity cannot). AND, I WANT IT BACK. I know what I need to do, who I need to re-become, how I need to live to be happy. And I will. Whether you judge me or not.

On personal life.

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Last week, I had the biggest argument I’ve had in the past two years. One of the issues brought up by the other person was that I invade their personal life and that it is not something I should or was permitted to care or make my opinion known about. You have to know that I am rather closely related to the person saying this. As you can tell, I am rather occupied by the thought of this statement which is why I now will babble on about the definition and – more importantly – meaning of “personal life”.

So, here are the questions (I never just stick to one, do I?): What does personal life mean? Is there a definition that counts for everyone or should you be allowed to decide what it is? Is someone’s personal life always the same thing in regards to that person? Or can you change it around just so it fits your current situation?

When looking up “personal life” on Google (kids, this is not something you should do when home alone; have an adult with you at all times), the first page on the list was (what else…) Wikipedia. Here is what I found on their page on personal life:

“In modern times, many people have come to think of their personal lives as separate from their work.[11] Work and recreation are distinct; one is either on the job or not, and the transition is abrupt. Employees have certain hours they are bound to work, and work during recreational time is rare. This may be related to the continuing specialization of jobs and the demand for increased efficiency, both at work and at home. The common phrase “Work hard, play hard” illustrates this mindset. There is a growing trend, however, toward living more holistically and minimizing such rigid distinctions between work and play, in order to achieve an “appropriate” work–life balance.” (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Personal_life#Sociology, 2/29/2012)

Now, that is pretty much what I understood of the term which leads me to think that I can’t be way off topic when talking to any random person about this. This, in turn, means that the person I had this argument with must be pretty much going off their own path with this one. This, I think, is not generally a problem, but if you live in close proximity and your relationship with said person is close in an emotional way as well, I do think that this inevitably leads to problems.

And that, it has. Definitely. Terribly. Horribly. In frank speech: big-ass problems. And meanwhile big asses are not a bad thing (more of the opposite, see Sir Mix-A-Lot), an argument like the one from the other week is. For me anyway. Not because it riles me up emotionally which it did for a week or so (that’s when I wrote that first paragraph), but because in cases like this I feel like I need to take action.

And the only effective action to deal with someone like this person and something like this situation is to cut ties and move on to a better life with more understanding people who are on the same page as I. Which I did. As sad as it is.