A Good Place On My Own

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A few days ago, I read this post on inspirationlocation.com. It stuck with me and is still causing major rumbles in my head. I have been needing to go back and re-read to get my mind straight on what I want and can take out of the post. Here is what I got:

The main thing that got me was the bit about “outer geography”. This has been (as those of you who read all the blurbs I post on here know) a major concern of mine since I returned to the “forsaken” land. Just kidding, it’s not forsaken. Not really anyway. I have been thinking, rethinking, analyzing, and over-analyzing what it is that keeps me from being me and being totally happy here.

With saying that, I have to attest that I am in no place where I would be in danger of being depressive or any other kind of clinically crazy over this issue – despite my mother saying otherwise. That’s a different story though.

Finding a good place is something I have been trying to do for a long 18 months now and I am getting to a point where I want to give up. I just want to say, f**k it and go. Somewhere else. No, let me rephrase: not just somewhere, but there. When I read Kath’s writing about finding a good fit for you, I had to smile big. Because that is exactly the phrase I used to utter so many times in talks with prospective students. I used to say: “We want to be the right fit for you, but if we’re not, we will not make you stay for the sake of you bringing in the money.” Well, I didn’t actually say it with those words, but my PR brain is on vacation tonight.

Either way, finding a good fit in life is substantial to your ability to feel good about yourself and those in your life. Maybe this is all that is wrong with me here – I haven’t found the right fit. Good thing I have plenty ideas for how to do better with that. I actually started today and so far, it’s going pretty well.

P.S.: This post sounds much less philosophical than the thoughts floating around in my head. Maybe I will be able to rethink and word better in the next few days, but for that I will probably need a reminder. So, if you are reading this after March 14, 2012, please comment so that I will go back and edit. Thanks. 🙂

You can always learn a thing or two…

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Today, I learned that…

…babies don’t just cry. If you have no other answer, try body contact.

…JB doesn’t go to sleep in her own bed (yet) because she can’t cuddle as closely as in my bed.

…just a little contact with the wrong people can rile baby up to no ends.

…being strict is the toughest thing in the world. Good thing I didn’t become a teacher.

…I forgot so, so very much about being a child. Time to relearn to build forts, pet cats, read books.

On personal life.

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Last week, I had the biggest argument I’ve had in the past two years. One of the issues brought up by the other person was that I invade their personal life and that it is not something I should or was permitted to care or make my opinion known about. You have to know that I am rather closely related to the person saying this. As you can tell, I am rather occupied by the thought of this statement which is why I now will babble on about the definition and – more importantly – meaning of “personal life”.

So, here are the questions (I never just stick to one, do I?): What does personal life mean? Is there a definition that counts for everyone or should you be allowed to decide what it is? Is someone’s personal life always the same thing in regards to that person? Or can you change it around just so it fits your current situation?

When looking up “personal life” on Google (kids, this is not something you should do when home alone; have an adult with you at all times), the first page on the list was (what else…) Wikipedia. Here is what I found on their page on personal life:

“In modern times, many people have come to think of their personal lives as separate from their work.[11] Work and recreation are distinct; one is either on the job or not, and the transition is abrupt. Employees have certain hours they are bound to work, and work during recreational time is rare. This may be related to the continuing specialization of jobs and the demand for increased efficiency, both at work and at home. The common phrase “Work hard, play hard” illustrates this mindset. There is a growing trend, however, toward living more holistically and minimizing such rigid distinctions between work and play, in order to achieve an “appropriate” work–life balance.” (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Personal_life#Sociology, 2/29/2012)

Now, that is pretty much what I understood of the term which leads me to think that I can’t be way off topic when talking to any random person about this. This, in turn, means that the person I had this argument with must be pretty much going off their own path with this one. This, I think, is not generally a problem, but if you live in close proximity and your relationship with said person is close in an emotional way as well, I do think that this inevitably leads to problems.

And that, it has. Definitely. Terribly. Horribly. In frank speech: big-ass problems. And meanwhile big asses are not a bad thing (more of the opposite, see Sir Mix-A-Lot), an argument like the one from the other week is. For me anyway. Not because it riles me up emotionally which it did for a week or so (that’s when I wrote that first paragraph), but because in cases like this I feel like I need to take action.

And the only effective action to deal with someone like this person and something like this situation is to cut ties and move on to a better life with more understanding people who are on the same page as I. Which I did. As sad as it is.

Things I never want to receive as a gift from a lover

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Chocolates.

A gas station flower bouquet.

A pot or any other household item I did not SPECIFICALLY (as in, I want this thing, brand, price, etc. included in description) ask for.

Paper or magazine subscriptions.

Cheap wine.

Candles.

Framed poster prints.

Silly greeting/birthday/Christmas cards. I’m a serious type.

 

 

Umm, that’s me?!?!

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“huh? what did i want to write about here? any ideas? I guess about the different roles I am taking in life and how I need to get them together. Or how being a mum just seems so weird.”

Well, from the above notes for this post, you can pretty much tell the state I am still in. Although I have found my way into this new role called “mum”, I still feel like there are just so many things that I need to get together all at once.

Particularly now that I am kicking this business off the ground (like, literally, July cannot come fast enough), my head is spinning with ideas, things to remember, tasks I have to get done, more things to remember, etc. Sometimes it is so much that I need to sit quiet for a minute to even remember what I was doing that moment. I lose track of so many things that I have a tough time to remember which ones I actually did remember. There is pure craziness in my head.

One of my friends told me that I was “overwhelmed” with everything. He meant it not in the way that it is too much for me and I cannot take care of everything and my body and mind just stop being receptive. He meant it in a way that despite me being able to take care of things, I am going into a state similar to shock – functioning, but nothing is actually being processed.

Being a mum is the most wonderful thing I have and yet, I feel like if there wasn’t all this other stuff that keeps my body and mind spinning, I would lead a rather dull life. But this is only because I am in this rather constant state of not-processing what is going on. One of these days, everything will burst out of me, hopefully in a moment of quietude and solitude. Then, I will cry.

I am not sure why, but for a few days now I have had the urge to cry it out. What is a rather detrimental process for babies seems to be a solution to this state of shock I feel I am in: letting all the stocked up emotions go by crying them out of me. It is an odd feeling for me because I am not sad in any way. I feel happy in my head, but the connection to my heart somehow is obstructed and I feel that only a good cry will help get the obstacle out of the way and reconnect brain and heart.

Who do you think I am?

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A big part of my life these days is characterized by the pursuit of a balance between my German and American self. Recently, I have found that much of what Germany means to me, I detest. I also realized that many people who have not lived here all their life and then went abroad, only see good things here.

So I started wondering what others see in this place that my filters block out, what they see that is beauty that I cannot see anymore. To hopefully be reminded of some of the wonderful things this country and its people can be, I am therefore asking you to send me a list or story or poem or picture or whatever you feel shows your feelings towards Germany, your perception of what Germany and who the German people are. I will be glad to receive your “images” via email at freidenkerin@live.com or on facebook, twitter, etc.

Please do pass this on to those you think have something to say about it!! Thank you!

 

Oh, I forgot to give you an incentive, right?! Well, here it goes: A velvet coffee mug by Kahla Porcelain, a porcelain manufacture just around the corner from my hometown will go to a randomly chosen winner. Entries must be received by February 14, 2012, 11.59 PM GMT+1.

Dear Universe… love, me.

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Yoga, yoga, yoga. I need to do my yoga. Instead, I write.

Sensefree messages to strangers I will never meet, senseful, excited messages to one I do hope to meet soon.

I actually am getting a bit nervous and excited. Could it be that this man is my male counterpart?

Here are two letters to the universe – one if he is, one if he’s not.

Dear Universe,

Thank you for granting my Christmas wish. Thank you for starting this year off with some love that I have needed so much. Thank you for making me believe again and helping find that spirit I lost you know when.

He is truly amazing. Not in a sense that I would put him on a pedestal and worship him, but in the sense that I did not think or believe or even dare to wish that there was another person like me, even more nearby me!

You actually messed up my theory on life a bit because you have just proven that (part of) my justification of traveling and living abroad is untrue. No, I am not in the least mad at you for that. Thank you for pointing out my mistake though.

Love and light,
Maria

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Dear Universe,

You fooled me. You truly did. Was that some kind of early April fool’s prank?

I mean, you made this man sound so very fantastic. You did, don’t you dare putting that on him. He can’t help but live what you decided to be his purpose.

But, also thank you. Thank you for letting me know that my life theories are as true as I will ever be able to prove. Thank you for reminding me that I am a kick-ass woman who still is willing to hope for AND able to love.

Also, please do realize that my engagement in this search for truth and all that will intensify now that you pulled this one. That is probably just what you were hoping to achieve, so I give in and do what I should.

Love and light (even though I am kind of mad),
Maria

I am not sure whether I will update which letter I will send in the end, but they both seem pretty positive to me, so I think it doesn’t really matter.

Resolution 1 for 2012:

Be the positive self you know you can be. (Check.)