Today, I figured something out. Which is quite impressive as it is only 10:06 AM and I have had six hours of less or more good sleep last night.
While I was carrying a massive load of stuff into my office (I can’t wait for all the finance-y stuff to be done with so I can get a desktop PC for the office!), I suddenly thought of something: every week, on Monday I splurge myself with fancy coffee, lunch, or something else actually not necessary.
Being the social-science-philosophy-weird-thinking nerd I am sometimes, I immediately asked myself why and found a simple, yet profound answer: I have an addiction to spending money. This is probably not something uncommon. Most people like to spend money, especially on things they “pamper” themselves with – things not necessary that feel wonderful though. It’s a rush that is only accelerated by today’s consumption society.
Yet, I figured that now that I acknowledged the fact, I will be able to put a stop to it. Not right away (I am having fancy coffee because the lack of sleep from last night will otherwise show in about 30 minutes), but slowly, but surely.
Also, I made a commitment to being not only physically, but even more so soul-y healthy. I wanna get back on the yoga mat, get an hour of swimming into my schedule here and there and take long walks in the park or woods with the June Bug. All this in a quest to become who I was and who I still think I am deep inside myself, but the “me” that has been buried by pregnancy, childbirth, being a single mum, starting a business, living in a place where the members of “my tribe” seem to hide pretty well.
I am starting today, Monday, October 8th, 2012. Wish me luck (or better, willpower)!
Here is yet another attempt at writing a blog. How is it that a not-so-busy life always turns into chaos the moment you decide to commit to something that needs attention on a daily basis?
Lily June, one week old
Well, this time I tricked fate and decided to take on a daily committment when life was already crazy. On March 10, I became a momma. This is her! Lily June, wonderful child. VERY good sleeper on most days. 🙂
However, Lily is not the daily committment I am talking about, she just is the reason for my life being good crazy. The daily committment is actually a multitude of committments because I can’t do anything half-a**.
I decided on doing the following:
For the month of April, do yoga at least once a day. I am aware that finding an hour and a half in the schedule of a new mum and her newborn isn’t easy, so I allow myself to count yoga even if it is just ten minutes Mula Bandha while nursing.
For every day from now on, I will write (at least) 750 words a day on http://750words.com. If I miss a day here, it is not that big of a deal as long as I did some writing which is guaranteed through the many friends and new acquaintances with whom I am in contact via email and such.
And last but not least, I committed to posting about my yoga practice on http://virtualyogarians.wordpress.com on a daily basis.
These are three major committments and for the past four days, I have done pretty well. I already learned a few things about myself, e.g. that I can write majorly fast if I am very happy or very angry. The words just flow out of me. I also learned that I REALLY enjoy writing. I almost like it more than talking to people. Weird? Well, it is who I am. And that is all I can be.
It seems there has been a significance of shaking in my life lately. Not just that people very dear and close to me have tremors and shake frequently, I have been experiencing trembling and shaking myself in the past days.
On top of it all, the Daily Insight I receive from yogajournal.com was titled all shook up today. This is very astonishing as I have had very bad leg shakes during and after yoga practice yesterday. Whether it came from the dense living situation I am in at the moment, the problems within the group of people I am close to, or plainly overworking of my muscles, it did wake me up a little and let me realize that there is perfection in the imperfection of life.
What I mean by that is that even though the trembling is unpleasant and makes my walk look funny, I felt that it meant something that was worth much more than the inconvenience of not having control over my muscles.
And I know that with time, the reasons for the shaking will go away, in my legs, in my heart and my soul.
It seems that it is hard for me to find a place in which I can be at peace with humanity.
My intention for yoga practice today was to forgive the pain humans create and inflict in each other. Most people would think that this seems like a pretty hard thing to do – forgive all the pain in the world. It really was pretty easy after five runs of downward-facing dog and a round of happy baby.
But still, I don’t feel like I’m in the right spot. It is 12.16 am and I want to get up for morning yoga. I might need to go twice tomorrow. What that has to do with being in the right spot you might ask. What do I mean by being in the right spot anyway?
Findyourspot.com gives you 24 cities in the U.S. you should be pretty happy living in. First on my list – Las Vegas. Nice try, but I don’t think so. But you never know. Maybe I would love it. Anyway, I’m gonna keep that site in mind and see what other cities it has to offer.
Maybe I can find my right spot by being within myself. What I mean by that is that I will do the Diogenes or the Hoekstra. Deny humanity and its existence. But that would mean I would have to deny myself – well, my bodily self. Which does not quite seem as unattractive as one would think.
Well, this is not going to be resolved anytime soon. But maybe thinking about it will get me a step closer…
How about it? Laying in the grass, watching clouds go by. Sleeping to the sounds of summer. Holding downward-facing dog for five minutes and being in sync with me.
Summer is coming soon and it might mean an ending to the love affair I have been having with the town I love so much. Not because of the great architecture we have here – there is almost none of that kind. But because of the people I love, the things I’ve learned – and because of it. I don’t know what the it is. But clearly it is there. Something that makes it easy to open my heart chakra, holding fish pose in yoga class at 6.15 am and thinking that this is the happoest I have ever been.
Even when yoga seems “too easy” and the enlightenment effect it usually has vanishes, I still can feel it. Now, many people would say it must be God or whatever they call it – especially in this country. But I don’t think that’s what it is. “It” is something that I cannot grasp, much less try to describe with words.
Words are an interesting thing to. How do we feel that we are able to find truth with a number of arbitrarily created combinations of letters? It just doesn’t seem natural to me? I wonder if there is a language that would make me feel more connected to what “it” is.
And then there is music. Even more arbitrary and even more important. The Corrs sing “Even if the sun came tumbling down, you’re like the ground I walk on.” Apart from the fact that this line is probably talking to “someone” opposed to “it”, I think there is a much deeper meaning. Not just in this particular song, but in music, words, life.
And that is what “it” is. For me. Here. Now.