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When the universe is on your side…


it really IS. ON. YOUR. SIDE.

A mere three months ago I made a decision to find back to who I have become some five years ago and live the life that made me drastically happy – to an extent that must have been nauseating for some people at some point.

Today, I feel just like I felt then. Dreamingly happy with everything that is, was, and will be. Living in the moment, but looking forward to what is coming and appreciating (yes, really) what has been.

In the past few weeks, the universe has pulled all its power together to let me see what has been conspiring for myself, my daughter, and everyone else who is connected with me – including the 800+ people I have on my facebook friends list (they really should find a better name…).

Everyday now, I see and actually feel how the pieces are put into place in the puzzle what is my life. It’s like your favorite vase breaking. At first, you mourn the loss. But then (if you’re like me anyway), you start seeing the beauty in the broken pieces, pick them up and put them away somewhere safe. After a while, you get to the project and put the broken pieces back together into a broken, but whole vase again.

And the beauty that lies in the broken pieces put together into one again is the beauty I see in my life right now. I am on a drastic high and do not even fear coming down from it because I know life does not plan for me to do so.

Namasté, my friends.


About that previous post…


Well, that wasn’t the greatest post ever. But, it was a post. Some writing, some thoughts out of my head. Something, huh? I just wish my brain wasn’t made for academic writing. I can kick all ass when writing a thirteen page paper on the Republic by Plato, but writing a blog post that is sticky is beyond me. I just don’t think I can do that. But maybe I am just not in a place to right now. I remember when I felt great and lived a very, very happy life without worries (how did that happen?). Don’t get me wrong, I am happy now. Just not happy enough.

Well, had to put these last two sentences on Twitter and ran off into social media world. Yay me, huh? Always one for others to get me distracted. And don’t say it’s my choice to be distracted by social media, it’s them. They’re coming. After you too.


P.S.: I feel like this really sounds like me these days. Judge me if you must. But I do it my way. 🙂

Why sheep are sheep and we are not.


Sooo, after I got a little bit of swimming in today, now I can go on to blog about the wonderful ideas I get in my car.

You heard right, in my car. I don’t know what it is about me and situations in which I have no access to pen and paper, but the best ideas in life that I get are in my bed (preferable just a second or two before I fall asleep) and in my car – while driving. I guess because driving is an automated behavior at this point, my mind has time to wander off and do back flips.

Today, I was listening to Frank Sinatra’s “My Way” and asked myself what this song really says. The song talks about how Mr. Sinatra has always stayed true to his way of doing things, no matter the consequences. Good or bad, he stood up for himself. And he doesn’t regret it. He did what he thought was right (or not) and did it.

Now, the question immediately coming up in my head was: “Why is that so damn special? Why is there need for someone making a song about how they did what they did despite what they’re ought to do?” And yes, my mind forms sentences like these all the time.

Now here we get to the question of sheep: To understand why my mind made that connection you have to know that the German equivalent of gregarious animal is something like “herd animal“. Because sheep are a rather sheepish little species (although awfully cute), they tend to do things as a group or herd. And we have a saying here that humans are gregarious (or herd) animals which connects sheep with humans in my head.

It takes only a few seconds to take the next step and ask why we think that nature (or god or who- or whatever you think is key here) made humans so special and individual and yet we’re trying to all be like each other. I have posted about this before on here. I find it fascinating how so many people just want to be like so many others. Can we not acknowledge that we will still understand each other despite our differences? That it doesn’t matter whether the whole world wears mustard colors this Fall or if everyone chooses to wear the colors they like most or that look best on them? I mean sure, being similar makes it easier to relate, but is your mind really that lazy that you cannot sympathize with someone who is not like you?

I think that all the trying to fit in, to be like someone else, to be similar is – just like for sheep – an action out of fear. A fear of “Standing Alone in Mekka“, in the desert, in the rain, in life. Yet, we all live together and no matter how far you go emotionally, it is almost sure that someone will come around eventually. At the danger of yet again sounding like a crazy prophet: If we just overcome the fear, we will see that it was unnecessary to begin with. Let us see the light and embrace it.

This is what happens when I don’t write.


This is my entry from last night. See why people need to write to not go mad?

This is about no bullshit. Writing is clearly what makes me happy. I want to get thoughts into my head and then get them out – on a screen, on paper, on a wall if that’s all I got. Seriously, life is just too much sometimes. I am so tired of trying to make things work. Why am I not able to just let them work out themselves? I can blame Germany for bringing out the German in me – but being a control freak is not a country’s fault.

Here’s the deal: I am going to go to Berlin, I will rock that workshop with brutal honesty. I will tell them I am a mum trying to live life the way it is supposed to be lived: well. I am telling them that I will not start until January 1st (well, more like the 5th or 6th) and that I will then give everything to fulfill the contracts I will have with them. Everything means here all that I can give to be happy. Giving all is in my nature, I don’t do things half-assed, but I also have to aware that only working is not making me happy. I would have a bad conscience about Lily, I would miss her too. She’s so chubby and cute right now!

I am still working on this thing called “living life to the fullest”, but it’s starting to dawn on me that life doesn’t have to be full to be rich. We don’t need a lot of stuff. Lily loves playing with wrapping foil more than with her toys. Take her as an example and play with what you got. That’s what I’ll do.

From now on, I will write when I feel like it. I feel like it almost every day, so almost every day I will write. If I don’t however, I don’t have to make excuses for anyone. Especially not for me. I will be happy no matter whether I do or do not finish a blog post, whether I will be making big bucks off the work I love or not.

It is funny how things in life often work hand in hand. The other day, I was thinking about what I really would love to do right now. I found that the only thing that really, really, really seems interesting to me right now is to be in silence. For a long time. No talking. Just quietude. Well, merely 12 hours after thinking that thought, I watched something somewhere (wasn’t important enough to remember what it was, the message counts) which was about “[…] being quiet. Not the soothing sounds in the background quiet, but complete silence.” What I really, really wanna do, is go to a convent/abbey/whatever-you-call-it for a week. I immediately formed an intention to do this as soon as Lily is old enough to go for a week on her own staying with grandma or great-grandma.

Will now enter a reminder for this plan on my Outlook calendar in 18 months time. Be right back.

Okay, done. Now on to other things:

Apart from writing, I want to live healthy. I have a problem with hay fever which causes me to react allergically to specific kind of raw fruit such as apples, plums, cherries, peaches. Fortunately, I am capable of eating these fruit once they are processed in any way or served with dairy products (someone explain that to me, please). However, all the good stuff usually is gone once you process them, so my intake of vitamins and all other goodies from fruit is limited to some fruit (a lot of which I get easily bored with), so I have to get that some other way. Right now, I am getting at least a whole lot of vitamin C by taking a whole gram every day. Point one on the list to living healthier: add natural vitamin supplements to my diet.

Note: Apparently my cross reactions have a name: Oral allergy syndrome. Typically, patients are only allergic to raw foods and I am “lucky” to be allergic to birch pollen because those little shits are all over the place and also have the most cross reactants. Anywho, I’ll processed food then.

Also, I would just LOVE to have sunbutter. It’s like peanut butter, but made from sunflower seeds. And I just found it on Amazon. Lovely.

Another thing I would love is to get all the things on my list done before the weekend is here, so that I can spend Saturday packing. (I am already nauseous at the thought of having to pack for a baby. Clothes is the least you pack.) Any tips on what I should leave at home so that the car won’t be jam packed?

Haha, I just force-saved and the program tells me to continue on. Lovely. I just might. Somehow,

Back In The Blogging Business


Well, here I am again, turning back to blogging because my mind has too much stuff going on for me to be able to stop and put it all aside.

As usual, something triggered my return to the “Add New Post” page: reading. This time, I finally started reading the May(!!) issue of the German magazine Happinezpassion flower last night. And, wouldn’t you know, there was an article that talked about what is very important to me: finding happiness in life by doing you what you really ought to do.

The article mentioned was part interview with George Kinder, a financial analyst gone hippie, one could say. Kinder has developed a holistic approach to financial planning which turned him into a sort of guru for people who want to make their life dreams come true. The article included a short – ummm – examination of what one really wants to achieve in life. Kinder uses this test to find out what he really needs his clients to help with – as it turns out, it more than often is not to make a load of money.

Here are the three questions Kinder asks his clients to answer:

  1. What would I do differently if money wasn’t important? What is my heart’s desire?
  2. What if I knew that I had only ten years of perfect health left; would I change anything in my life? Which heartfelt wishes would I grant myself?
  3. If I had only 24 hours to live: Which dreams have been unfulfilled all my life? What do I regret? Who would I have liked to be, but never could?

I tried to answer these questions and it soon came to me that right now, at this time in my life, I don’t really know what my heart feels and desires. I have very much fallen back into my cultural upbringing and analyze, reason, and think instead of listening to my heart which has led me to completely lose touch with who I am, I feel. If I look at it objectively (ha! again!), I know that that is not true. But I started listening last night while writing down my heartfelt wishes and I felt that there was a lot my heart had to say that I refused to listen to in the past. The following is a list of things I have realized during my short soul search yesterday:

  • Really, my past experiences have been all I wanted to have in life. I am contend with them and if I had to die tomorrow, there wouldn’t be a thing I instantly knew I would have to do before.
  • After thinking for quite a time, I did realize that the only thing I really, really wanna do is to stop worrying and feeling guilty about money. I wanna make a fortune to give away.
  • Another thing is that life is enjoyable for me when I can help other people in small and big ways.
  • Working a full-time job is not gonna cut it for me.
  • I feel that I will be able to do what I want in the future. Sweet thought.

There are many more thoughts still in my head and there are new ones coming up here and there, but I will keep the list as it is for now. The main thing that I realized is that I will not be able to live life in a healthy way if I go back to doing some job full-time plucking away to make someone else rich even if I do change a life here and there on the way.

I want to know that all I do is for the good I believe in. I don’t want to compromise my standards anymore because I worry about something as silly as money in my pocket. Instead, from now on, I will reaffirm that abundance comes to those who do not seek it – just like love. Trying to get rich will not make me rich, but doing the thing that fills my heart with love and joy will let me forget about wanting to be rich in money and instead will make me rich in good days.

I will jump into being a business owner with little knowledge of what I need to do. I will figure it out on the way. Because I love what I do, I will be successful. I will not work more than necessary and I will not work more than 25 hours a week. (Pretty bold considering I haven’t even started yet, huh?!)

In any case, if it doesn’t work out, I’ll be rich in a name. 🙂

With a little help from my friends…


Well, it’s official: I am getting antsy. Antsy to start life with this wonderful little girl sleeping next to me every night cradled in my arms. Antsy to get back what I feel I don’t have anymore: a life. Just kidding, but not really.

The past two weeks I have been very dissatisfied with the way my life is going which is why I now feel ready to get started on planning the new, better, wonderful life somewhere in this world with my baby girl. Before I can start the steps to get there, I need to figure out the goal – the ultimate life I wish to be living.

For that, I need some help. I have some options figured out as to what I want to be doing for a living and what will happen with my babe during that time, but I am completely lost in the decision as to WHERE I should apply the rest of my decisions. Therefore, I need suggestions for places in this big ole world where we could start anew. Here is a list of conditions the new place to live needs to meet:

  • Good community – it should be in a location where people live together, not next to each other. That doesn’t mean I want to be best friends with my neighbors (I actually would prefer for them to live more than a quarter mile away), I just need to know that there are people who care for others.
  • Infrastucture – I do not necessarily wish to live in a big city because I would like to live close to nature, but there should be cultural, educational, and economic opportunities within an hour driving time. Also, an international airport within four hours driving time at least.
  • Weather – snow on Christmas would be cool, but do not need winter that lasts six months.
  • People – an international feel to life is what I love. I don’t care which passport you carry, but show me you get something about the world.
  • Legality – there needs to be opportunity for permanent residence for Lily & me as well as a work permit for me in either self-employment

I think that is enough for the minimum requirements. Now, it’s your turn! If you know a cool, great place to live that meets these requirements, please let me know about it via WordPress, Twitter, Facebook, Email, or text me! Thanks, guys and gals! 🙂

Making amends


Today has been one of those weird days when you are right in the middle between good and bad. It was good because I had a lazy morning in bed, had coffee and a great wrap while hanging out with friends, and talked to my mum for a long time. It was bad because I was accused of being a liar with a list of lies that is too long to tell.

The question I am now asking myself is: Where does this leave me?

How do I deal with the fact that a person who should know me better than many people feels that I have been lying? And not just one white lie, but a whole list of lies so grave that there is nothing left to talk about.

Despite the initial rage, irregular heartbeat and uncontrollable shaking inside, I now feel relatively calm. Calm enough to decide to cut ties with the person accusing me and realizing that I can be compassionate AND at the same time self-preserve.

The compassion I feel is fighting with the rage still, yet I wish for them to find what they are looking for in life. I do so not only for selfless reasons. I want the universe to know that I have grown and that my path has shown me that to move on and personally grow, I have to let go. Really, I have to forgive, but let’s just say that forgiveness is not exactly inscribed in me.

So, why would I title this post as making amends? The reason is simple: Today has also been a good day because the experience I had today led me to realize what I may have caused in another person in the past. One could say I took a bad situation and turned it into something positive.

Lastly, I have to say that this whole affair also led me to realize one more thing: There is no use in letting people into your life that you do not really want there. For a reason, we feel more inclined to associate with some people rather than others. We should listen to our intuition as to who they are.