“huh? what did i want to write about here? any ideas? I guess about the different roles I am taking in life and how I need to get them together. Or how being a mum just seems so weird.”
Well, from the above notes for this post, you can pretty much tell the state I am still in. Although I have found my way into this new role called “mum”, I still feel like there are just so many things that I need to get together all at once.
Particularly now that I am kicking this business off the ground (like, literally, July cannot come fast enough), my head is spinning with ideas, things to remember, tasks I have to get done, more things to remember, etc. Sometimes it is so much that I need to sit quiet for a minute to even remember what I was doing that moment. I lose track of so many things that I have a tough time to remember which ones I actually did remember. There is pure craziness in my head.
One of my friends told me that I was “overwhelmed” with everything. He meant it not in the way that it is too much for me and I cannot take care of everything and my body and mind just stop being receptive. He meant it in a way that despite me being able to take care of things, I am going into a state similar to shock – functioning, but nothing is actually being processed.
Being a mum is the most wonderful thing I have and yet, I feel like if there wasn’t all this other stuff that keeps my body and mind spinning, I would lead a rather dull life. But this is only because I am in this rather constant state of not-processing what is going on. One of these days, everything will burst out of me, hopefully in a moment of quietude and solitude. Then, I will cry.
I am not sure why, but for a few days now I have had the urge to cry it out. What is a rather detrimental process for babies seems to be a solution to this state of shock I feel I am in: letting all the stocked up emotions go by crying them out of me. It is an odd feeling for me because I am not sad in any way. I feel happy in my head, but the connection to my heart somehow is obstructed and I feel that only a good cry will help get the obstacle out of the way and reconnect brain and heart.