This is what happens when I don’t write.


This is my entry from last night. See why people need to write to not go mad?

This is about no bullshit. Writing is clearly what makes me happy. I want to get thoughts into my head and then get them out – on a screen, on paper, on a wall if that’s all I got. Seriously, life is just too much sometimes. I am so tired of trying to make things work. Why am I not able to just let them work out themselves? I can blame Germany for bringing out the German in me – but being a control freak is not a country’s fault.

Here’s the deal: I am going to go to Berlin, I will rock that workshop with brutal honesty. I will tell them I am a mum trying to live life the way it is supposed to be lived: well. I am telling them that I will not start until January 1st (well, more like the 5th or 6th) and that I will then give everything to fulfill the contracts I will have with them. Everything means here all that I can give to be happy. Giving all is in my nature, I don’t do things half-assed, but I also have to aware that only working is not making me happy. I would have a bad conscience about Lily, I would miss her too. She’s so chubby and cute right now!

I am still working on this thing called “living life to the fullest”, but it’s starting to dawn on me that life doesn’t have to be full to be rich. We don’t need a lot of stuff. Lily loves playing with wrapping foil more than with her toys. Take her as an example and play with what you got. That’s what I’ll do.

From now on, I will write when I feel like it. I feel like it almost every day, so almost every day I will write. If I don’t however, I don’t have to make excuses for anyone. Especially not for me. I will be happy no matter whether I do or do not finish a blog post, whether I will be making big bucks off the work I love or not.

It is funny how things in life often work hand in hand. The other day, I was thinking about what I really would love to do right now. I found that the only thing that really, really, really seems interesting to me right now is to be in silence. For a long time. No talking. Just quietude. Well, merely 12 hours after thinking that thought, I watched something somewhere (wasn’t important enough to remember what it was, the message counts) which was about “[…] being quiet. Not the soothing sounds in the background quiet, but complete silence.” What I really, really wanna do, is go to a convent/abbey/whatever-you-call-it for a week. I immediately formed an intention to do this as soon as Lily is old enough to go for a week on her own staying with grandma or great-grandma.

Will now enter a reminder for this plan on my Outlook calendar in 18 months time. Be right back.

Okay, done. Now on to other things:

Apart from writing, I want to live healthy. I have a problem with hay fever which causes me to react allergically to specific kind of raw fruit such as apples, plums, cherries, peaches. Fortunately, I am capable of eating these fruit once they are processed in any way or served with dairy products (someone explain that to me, please). However, all the good stuff usually is gone once you process them, so my intake of vitamins and all other goodies from fruit is limited to some fruit (a lot of which I get easily bored with), so I have to get that some other way. Right now, I am getting at least a whole lot of vitamin C by taking a whole gram every day. Point one on the list to living healthier: add natural vitamin supplements to my diet.

Note: Apparently my cross reactions have a name: Oral allergy syndrome. Typically, patients are only allergic to raw foods and I am “lucky” to be allergic to birch pollen because those little shits are all over the place and also have the most cross reactants. Anywho, I’ll processed food then.

Also, I would just LOVE to have sunbutter. It’s like peanut butter, but made from sunflower seeds. And I just found it on Amazon. Lovely.

Another thing I would love is to get all the things on my list done before the weekend is here, so that I can spend Saturday packing. (I am already nauseous at the thought of having to pack for a baby. Clothes is the least you pack.) Any tips on what I should leave at home so that the car won’t be jam packed?

Haha, I just force-saved and the program tells me to continue on. Lovely. I just might. Somehow,


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